Updated: Jan 15
I am writing you this letter to express to you the words that I have struggled for years to find. These are the words from my heart that I knew I needed to convey to you for a long time but that I did not know how to communicate them until now effectively.
What happened to us? Once upon a time, you promised me the world, and now looking back I can see that you fulfilled none of your promises because you couldn't. You couldn't give me the world because you did not create it. Only God could give me the things I thought I could get from you. Granted, you showed me things that lead me to believe that we were meant for each other. In reality, however, you were showing me an illusion. A dream that soon became a nightmare. I was faithful to you, but you weren't true to me. I can't believe that I allowed myself to be deceived by you. But then you being the conniving manipulator and deceiver that you take advantage of me. You knew that there was a void in my heart, a yearning in my life, that you could not fill, but you tried to present yourself as someone that could. You tried to fill the God-sized gaping hole in my heart which could only be filled by Christ.
When we were younger, for as long as I could remember I loved you. Or so I thought. I loved you from a distance and up close. As a spectator and intimately. I loved you according to my ability and understanding of love. It was because of my ignorance of the divine and eternal essence of love that I thought I loved you. Unfortunately, I did not know then what I know now. That love is not something but someone. Love is the very essence of God, who is love. Love was what I was indeed missing. I never found it in you, but I have now found it in Christ Jesus.
I was created by Love to love, and I want you to know that "God so loved that He gave..." love gives. There is no fear in this love that I'm talking about because perfect love casts out all fear. This love that I found has looked past my past. My rebellious, broken and sin-stained past. Love has looked past all of my faults and flaws, my inadequacies and indiscretions. Only to transform and heal my hardened and broken heart. Love has eternally accepted me as I am and has made me a better man, day by day.
Remember when you were my secret, this was way back when I "loved" you in secret and I was so young that I was afraid to be caught with you. It wasn't too long after this that I decided that it was time we go public with our relationship and let the world know that I was yours and that you were mine. How naive was I? At first, I didn't want my family knowing about us, but I knew it was only a matter of time. We went everywhere and did everything together there was no hiding what we shared because what we shared I thought was real. I guess it is so true what they say "the greatest lies are not what others tell us but what we tell ourselves." You had me convinced.
As I grew so did our relationship now, we have grown apart. The more our relationship, the more unhealthy I realized that it was. Our relationship was toxic, a fatal attraction, and it cost me more than I could afford to lose or pay. Our relationship cost me family, friendships and God-honoring romance and companionship. Our relationship brought me many fake friends and many more real enemies. There were so many missed opportunities in my life because people did not want to have to deal with you and all of your baggage. And I still wanted to prove them wrong. You truly did take the best years of my life. I sacrificed everything, and you took it all from me. Now, my True Love has restored the years you stole.
I tried to be nothing but loyal to you, but you never were faithful to me. I missed proms, graduations, and even going off to college because of you. I missed seeing my younger siblings grow up and become adults. I missed being at the births of all my brother's children and my baby sister's daughter. You never came to visit me while I was in jail or prison, you never added money to the phone so that I could call, and you most definitely never wrote me any letters or sent me any emails. Also, it was you who kept me from the hospital while my grandma lay in the bed dying.
How can we go on any longer after you took the lives of countless family and friends? It was because of you that I missed their funerals. You stole from me more than you ever gave. I lost more with you than I have ever gained. But what you meant for evil and to harm me, God was able to use it for my good and the good of others. It is because of you and the misplaced loyalty that I was there the least for all of the people who needed me the most, but never again.
Never again will I settle or sell myself short. Never again will I allow you to rule my life. Never again because it is officially over between us, I look at my life now and see that it was when I took responsibility for my actions and said goodbye to you that I learned to live truly. It was when I stopped loving you that I learned who Love truly is. I thought we had something special when in reality you wanted nothing but to take from me and destroy my future. But now I am saying it directly to you. We are done.
Now I have gotten tired of settling for less because I know the Lord has made me for some much more. You wanted nothing but to steal from me, kill me, and destroy me but Christ came that I might have a life. And not just any life but the abundant life that is found in Him. When I was with you, I saw nothing but brokenness when I looked in the mirror. Now I see joy, love, peace, and hope! I see strength, courage, power!
I could never get these things from you because you did not have any of these things to give me. However, thank you for showing me the real you because that made saying goodbye so much easier. Now I have everything I ever need and more. Truly there is a blessing in every lesson.
This is not a goodbye, for now, this is goodbye for good.
You can contact me at:
Cyril Walrond 309756
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, Wa 98520
Cyril Walrond D.O.C #309756